omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize