She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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