Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Randomize
