I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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