Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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