My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
