I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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