Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Randomize
