He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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