We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
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