I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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