I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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