She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
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