I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
