Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF
children are so perceptive these days... and horny
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
