Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
