So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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