the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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