The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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