The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
