ya dads aren't the best wingmen
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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