Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
right after that u started calling me g-force and started trying to bellyslide down his drive way
Randomize
