two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
