Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Ate a slug for 39 dollars
I wouldn't expect anything less from a PhD student
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
