I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
