she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
not ubering you a puppy
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize