Cold hands, warm shart.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
