Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
