Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
