Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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