I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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