Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
They took my balls.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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