he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Randomize
