Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize