i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
