ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
We don't watch enough power rangers
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
