that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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