My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
