at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
