If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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