OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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