I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
