She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
