Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
