we're blogging at a bar
I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
