I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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