Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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