I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Randomize
