I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
