Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
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