He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
