Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize