Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
