I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Randomize
