A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
