The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
