we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
