Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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