The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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