we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
