She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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