if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
