...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize