Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Bring me that man meat
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
