Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
