Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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