More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
