Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
